Dear Phil,
I also want to thank you for your good advice. Unfortunately, unless you are on the PTO board, you have absolutely no advance input,access to any information about monies made, decisions on how to spend it, etc. They do a lot of good things for the school and I don't even have a big problem in how they spend their money, events they put on, etc. I just think the parent population at large should have more information, (maybe a vote?) on the annual school "gift" "project", etc. You know, democracy, representative participation, and all that stuff... It took me four years to understand that one had to be a committee CHAIR to sit in on board discussions. Who signs up to be a committee chair when first volunteering for PTO? So they'll put your name on a general volunteer list for fundraisers, etc., but the chair is passed from friend to friend by word of mouth (all the while complaining how hard it is to find anyone to take on these responsibilities).
But you are right about the subtleties of language, and remaining calm and rational. It's hard to hold back the emotion when I can feel the injustice, the exclusivity, the disregard of others outside the group and disparagement of new ideas. I tend to cry when frustrated, and so hate to have public, face-to-face confrontations. Am very good at writing, though, but apparently that is all too easy to ignore, or misinterpret "tone." But thanks for reminding me to keep using "I" messages, and not make it personal. I will try my best. And I keep reminding myself that being true to my values and beliefs is more important than achieving some end result.